She glanced at her bruises; they were same, the cuts from broken glass just like the night of 12th March two years before. Her eyelashes started getting damp, looking at blood of hers on his hands. He was sitting along with those worried expressions, shouting for water holding her ankle. And suddenly she heard him sobbing like a child grasping his favourite broken toy. Even with moist eyes she smiled at irony of her thoughts. She was also once his favourite toy with whom he fell in love after smashing her completely. He was struggling hard to stop the blood, which was spread all along the floor by now. Her calmness was disturbing. Not a stifled snivel left her lips, not even when he poured raw alcohol on her wounds. It seemed like she already knew from before that this was going to happen, whenever they met after that night.
It was always her blood and his hands.
She knew the path she had chosen to pursue was complicated as entangled strands of creeper on a dense tree. Yes he resembled like broken pieces of fragile glass which did hurt her every time she had picked up a piece, but she believed even broken pieces make most admiring compositions. She was prepared for undying efforts to regain him every time like the Phoenix that had been flaming up in his own fire. She wished to be reason of his smiles, desire of his heart, enduring hope in his eyes, least revive of his veins. The only thing that was bothering her was did she often reminded him of his past unknowingly? She never raised this question to him fearing his answers might shatter her completely or took her by unexpected surprise. Her perceptions for love were different; love doesn’t always happen, sometimes it is necessary to built it stone by stone making it stronger with time eventually. Coating her feelings with drapes of care and concern had become her trait the day she placed those transparent fortifications around her. But he already had invaded them conquering her feelings, and it had befallen much harder to cover up her reactions. She continued watching that candle flame flickering tearing out the surrounding darkness, just like his existence in her life. She knew the facts he could never be hers, she had ultimately chosen to fall for the wrong one as usual. But the only thing differed was he had become reason of her survival now, he owned her soul, and this time she had surrendered it without battle willingly accepting to be confined for lifelong.
Being away from her, his survival apart from oxygen depended on excerpts she wrote to him every night. They worked on as the ventilator on his conscience had been lifted and he could breathe again freely. Though he hated she would be up all night wearing that raspberry coloured framed specs constantly screwing herself over with paper and pen with coffee and cigarettes aside, he loved those morning wake up excerpts. His start of day could be no best rather than reading them. He would feel her narrating each word as he pursued along them. He could often feel at what phrases she would have readjusted her specs, clutched her hairs up, got up for more coffee, wandered in balcony, shifting her positions to be more comfy, covering up in blanket unnecessarily, lighten up a cigarette, chewed back of her pen, crinkled her nose at redefining, bit her nails rethinking, pressed her head for refining, lastly confining her heart in those sentences. She always had tried to pour soul to those mere words. They never reflected hollowness. He now could define all her commas, question marks, exclamations, even full stops with abrupt closures. He knew the facts that he was dwelling on a season which though was as beautiful as rainy ones, eventually will pass on with time. He pondered over further that even though season goes away, it does come back too. His fears subsided by the good vibes thinking about it. And he again started a day with fresh contagious smile which she loved. Probably she will always, whisphered his inner voice and his smile widened even more.
P.S. : Am really opting to steal your diary! Be Aware! Thank you for being my first inspiration stranger.
He was still bragging on her that what would be the perfect gift to make her heartily smile? She suppressed her laughter that idiot had already gifted the best thing and was questioning about materialistic things. How to tell him that perfect gift for her was his time he devoted her. Those smiles he brought by pulling her cheeks all of sudden, that tasteless coffee he had made at three in morning, those dramas he had put on to widen her smiles, morning walks with fingers entangled, early morning hunting rides for coffee, late night episodes of Friends, small pecks on her forehead, endless kisses to shut her up, tight embraces when she faced those nightmares, holding her close in sleep, teasing her every day with a stupid nickname, wishing for her happiness, unlatching her curls unnecessarily, fighting for blanket, those angry looks when he scolded with utmost concern, watching rain along, force feeding each spoon like she was three years old, elaborating temptations for few bites more, tickling her, sometimes accomplishing her crazy wishes, lastly his prayers. She was silently counting things when he asked again and she replied smiling, “Well you can always gift me red roses and tuberoses.”
P.S.: Diary Excerpt! And seriously that coffee was well can’t praise it anymore.
She intentionally avoided replying to him; either it would be short reply or completely formal one. She had always hated when it came to dealing with distances and departures. They left her completely blank for elongated times. She never learned how to cope up with them even after trying for so long. But her observations, often when anylazed depicted something has changed their conversations. Both of them were blameworthy but she was at supplementary levels. He still never thought twice while speaking to her but her counting was rising after every meet. She would often go blank suddenly while conveying to construct an appropriate phrase. She knew this was the thing bothering him from the time she silenced first, leaving him alone to fill the blanks. She tried looking at brighter side, it might be best for him if he worn out on her if she was just an addiction. She rebuked on herself for even thinking that way. Her mind was so messed up to those stages that she actually ended up adding red chilli powder in her coffee instead of sugar. Her head swirled with such intensity that she required support of railing to avoid falling down. She felt like she was going to faint another time. She was completely shaken up the with impactful blows these time. Her reflection startled her. Smudged kohl, swollen eyes, red nose excruiated her state briefly, but they didn’t potray the storm which had increased inside her mutely. His words had reversing affect today the more she read same sentences over and over her eyes denied to impede those tears. She knew perhaps this time endless explanations would be required for her perplexed answers to him.
Being miles apart from her, he was constantly missing her. But he couldn’t admit to her, not even to himself. He scolded his inner voice, tried making futile attempts to mute it. He wasn’t as straightforward as her when it came to disclosing feelings. She was blunt when it came to conveying, she could verbalize directly from heart. It was her peculiarity that what she had on her heart had been always her words she choose deliberately. Each song striking chord, deepen the feeling of missing her. He was missing warmth of her beside him, her curls he could play with, her neck to be buried in, her tight embraces with feel of contentment, her curling up in his arms, her escaping in his chest, her faint smiles across his lips, her navel he traced long, her singing along with the playing song, her constant never ending chirping, her fondling with his pelts, her tucking of blanket, her ringing laughter, her defying arguments on every topic, her spell bounding delicate scent, her hearing to his raised heartbeats, her entangled fingers in his, her kisses on his forehead, and lastly those eyes carrying immeasurable proclaiming sensations. Complaints from her side were out of question she won’t even interrupt him with his schedule, but she was constantly on his subconsious. These missing situations were both indefinable and strengthening to him. He was yet to learn how to deal with them unlike her who possessed some mystifying powers to overcome. Might be because it was so darn easy for her to say, “I miss you” to him. His longings to be back to her were increasing at a pace that lowering their intensity seemed impossible almost. He too wanted to be home, their home!
She unlatched her curls subconsciously just like he always did whenever he was around. And it reminded her whenever those unfurling strands had hid her eyes behind them; he would graciously place them behind her ears. Her dance moves started being repulsive and she had sudden urge to stop that music. For a second she forgot she was in midst of a little crowd watching her intently for practising along, as a ravaging storm of recollections had arisen inside her. She wrapped up her practise promising to be next possible time. Her partner stared at her with disbelief, was this same professional one he has been dealing with over a long time? She never had been disdained ever when it came to perfection with time or steps. She regretted being exposing her distraught side of hers but she was helpless today. She was flinching at each move because of touch of her dance partner. The laying of someone else’s hand on her made her feel weird. Her mind shifted back to that night when she had her first dance with him and rest of the things seemed worthless to her. She collapsed down on that hard floor itself breaking into sobs she has been holding back till now. Water didn’t work this time for patching her thirst. She felt suffocated; she wasn’t able to retrace things that were bothering her completely. Her headache increased blanking out her visions due to the lapse she had. She needed to be home, their home!
She was astonished realizing how blissful they looked together. Her fingertips traced across the prints, and memories came alive. Their smiles reflected in each other’s. She wondered at facts how the moments can be captured in single click and keep reviving the veins with happiness forever whenever you look at them. How easily a photograph retain those twinkles in eyes, smiles never fading, never altering moments, dishevelled perfections, sparkling colors, joys, pains, embarking start of an adventure, frozen times, or end of a wonderful story. She opted for being behind the camera rather being in front but their photographs always tempted her to be in frames with him. She turned around the photograph and smiled at the caption she wrote, “And it started!” Captioning each photograph with date and time was their favorite thing. She started going through the captions one after another. She finally picked up ones he had captioned. “Her-Being in one-sided love is worthwhile.” “Intoxication- Her mesmerizing fragrance be holding eternity!” “Desire- Hold her always this close!” “My moon of love for you will always be crescent.” “Your footsteps to my heart are proficient to stay forever.” “Your love is the only thing instilled down to my soul.” She looked at last photograph of them together, the caption read, “Future- Bruised and perished!”
She was deeply engrossed in reading a novel, for a moment her eyelashes bowed, she all of sudden saw his face which wasn’t vague at all. Though he wasn’t in the room his presence was so prominent all across. She felt his eyes on her with that never ending straight from heart intent gaze as always. It was a momentary lapse she lost her all attention to thinking about him, prolonging it to beyond times. These feelings were new to her. She had never been addicted to company of anyone rather than books. Infatuations or cravings for particular person or thing never had been her fixation. Cherishing and missing memories was the thing she pursued instead. She gazed at clock realizing it was past three in the morning, and it was totally recent that she was acutely missing him. Before meeting him she always conveyed time was the most important factor in deepening bonds, but her theory and perspectives were lost the instant they first connected being in that never ending stunning drizzle. Time had eventually made her introvert, habituating her to stay alone, or being in company of in-human forms. But being with him, desiring of being someone’s, that seed sprouted instantly. He had constantly nourished that plant of her feelings growing inside her. She never was able to comprehend or define that sparks flickering from the very first day, which existed between them. Both of them knew that sooner or later they would turn into smothering fire which would not be ever extinguished. Instantaneous linked up with him has always scared her. She hadn’t disclosed this much to anyone else, with him it was easy to speak her heart out. But the fear of losing him panicked her every single moment. Influential past always left trails whenever she thought about him. Every single person to whom she was connected deeply had always left voids in her life. She knew it, as each time destiny would play it’s cards but also she was sure that if it happens to them, she won’t be able to gather herself again.
The pearly droplets again started making appearances, playing with her eyelashes as she sat down for writing that last letter. There was no appropriate addressing she could think of, she was writing to a total stranger eventually. She never even thought that she might someday have to write to her love’s future love.
You definitely would be having a beautiful heart and that’s the only reason he is falling for you. I am not here to bore you with explanations and situations which ripped us apart, rather just to elucidate my wishes for him which remained incomplete. You might feel sometimes that I still hold onto his whole heart by his behavior or reactions but gradually he will learn to devote that space to you. It would seem ages to you while this transformation but he will. Lady you are blessed enough that eventually he will fall for you someday being a charm that will never end.
Sometimes understanding him would make you feel like you are reading a mystical book with no ending. He catches cold even on a sun-blaring day; he needs total isolation for organizing his thoughts on things, he might not answer some of your questions ever, he will sometimes called you by my name accidentally, would react on small negligible matters with high temper, even will flinch at your touch sometimes, but please embrace him whenever he has that nightmares, give him black coffee when he catches cold, be by his side when he would hide that he is missing me. Don’t let that dew drops fall from his eyes because of me, or might be my soul won’t forgive me ever then. He has that habit of changing songs which bring back memories to him, be patient while he is still creating the new beautiful ones with you. He would give you time and be always late with list of excuses, but would hate himself if you get angry on him. He would feel guilty being with you remembering me often, he would feel betrayed thinking I still owe his soul and he might never be able to love you in beginning, he would always blame himself for spoiling your life but your love and concern will steadily lower that intense levels of all this things. He will always be divergent when you ask about his past to him but with time he will share every single emotion he feels. Don’t let him sleep without eating; he always does that when he is upset.
These might are things you never want to read at least from me but I want you to fill the void that ultimately will bother his heart forever after my death.
His First Love!
P.S.: Entwine your happiness, smiles, troubles, traits, feelings, last but not least soul with his, and he will be yours forever.”
Falling for someone and muttering those three words is one of the most common things our generation has swiftly accepted. The journey from “I love you” to “I hate you” doesn’t have much distance between them.
According to me, love is beyond souls. Accepting the person in every of his/her forms, and never trying to change them according to your needs or expectations. Theoretically we talk about sacrifices, but when it comes to practicality we become a bit of selfish thinking about us first. Nothing is wrong in that, sacrifices always aren’t worth anyway in this era.
Love is when hearts combine into one, the pieces of tricky puzzle which fits together. The submersion of two subconscious minds, eventually looking in same direction, for journey to have a particular destination. The selfless care and love are often misunderstood to be ones holding same meanings. It is told, if you belong together even destiny can’t change it. That word destiny often confuses me, destiny is results of deeds we do, which is always in our hands to maintain it or destroy it. Situations are the major excuses we put forward. A simple question”why?” We are the only ones to complicate it and put it in an excuse mode.
Arguing on “Love” always has endless complicating, frustrating reasons, why can’t we keep it simpler as the sunrises and sunsets. Feelings are the only things which human nature can’t hold or control. Flowing with them makes things much easier rather than discarding or trying to erase them. Love is simple, endless, pristine, eternise, and why contaminate it with complications, lust, misunderstandings, or attractions?
P.S.: Dedicated to a special person who needed my perceptions on the word.